Over the course of automotive history Lamborghini has carved out a niche for itself. From the finish lines of Formula One races to the personal garages of the rich and influential, the name Lamborghini has become synonymous with speed, style, and undeniable power. And in all three classes the Lamborghini excels. What the company of high fashion, boaster of top speeds, and accessory to the untouchably wealthy is not known for, however, is getting dirty.
Still, come 2016, the Lamborghini, with the unfortunately named Urus, will join the fleet of luxury SUVs, despite having as much inclination to go off road as a pair of aging stamp collectors. It is not alone. The lineup of misguided models includes cars from many other high-class companies, such as Mercedes, Porsche, Maserati, and Bentley.
And that’s a problem.
Built for the front lines of World War II, the SUV has both history and acronym to support its claim as a Sport Utility Vehicle. SUV stands for a car that can weather the weather. It stands for a car that can forge rivers and best mountains. It stands for adventure, leaving roads behind, taking chances. By its very name the Luxury SUV does not exist.
According to the advertisements, however, these luxury SUVs are more than capable of besting whatever nature throws at them. They come equipped with all-weather tires, four wheel drive, and 7000 + pound towing capability. They average sixty square feet of cargo space, with cutting-edge roll bar technology, and ground clearance that allows for an entire Mexican Mariachi band to practice underneath. So you can go off road. But the fact is you won’t – not for the price.
Because in addition to their sport and utility features these luxury SUVs come standard with amenities you’d never need camping. The Porsche Cayenne, for example, is equipped with high-end surround sound, a rear seat entertainment system, and a panoramic roof system four times larger than the base Porsche sunroof. The price for the main model of the Midlife Crisis Club averages around $85,000, hitting a high of over $160,000, all before optional add-ons.
Porsche is, by no means, the most extreme example of how luxury SUVs cater far more to the luxury than the SUV. The Mercedes GL-Class SUV, which according to Mercedes was “Designed for comfort. Engineered for capability,” comes with massage-capable seats, wood finish, and two separate DVD players for optimal antisocial entertainment. For the car that plays far more to comfort than capability one could expect to spend anywhere between $63,000 – $118,000 starting price. In the Mercedes family the GL-Class falls second only to the G-Class, whose G550 SUV and G63 AMG SUV begin at $114,000 and $135,000 respectively.
The point certainly isn’t to pick on the German automakers. But no luxury SUV manufacturer is more extreme than the VW-owned Bentley, who will hold claim to the second highest-costing luxury SUV, behind the Urus, when it goes on the market in 2016. Bentley is adamant that this SUV will be rugged and fast, averaging top speeds around 175 mph. It’s a tough call, but for $237,000 starting price one might be able to find some faster cars on the market.
None of that speaks to the cost of repairs, either. Fixing front fascia panels for your squashed Maserati or buying replacement tires for your Audi Q7 puts a serious dent into the Bahamas weekend vacation fund. The fear of coughing up $2,500 for a new set of Mercedes wheels keeps these luxury SUVs on the road and out of the mud.
Make no mistake, these models are certainly capable. They have engines born from the brains of obsessive geniuses, beauty and design that rivals the high fashions of Milan, and, yes, comfort and luxury that young princes and bank embezzlers alike can enjoy. And the market for them exists in mass. Consumers want the big fancy cars with the leather, heated seats that massage while they drive, multiple DVD players to keep the kids entertained, and sleek wood-finished dashboards that make the guys at work suck their teeth.
The Lamborghini Urus is just one example of the powerful and beautiful niche of the luxury SUV – but it is a sad song as well. From a history flooded with first place trophies, daring innovations, and intense style changes, Lamborghini has lost its way. The Urus will be a great car, no doubt – even despite the name. But it will be squeezed into a category where it doesn’t belong. Like taking a designer French Bulldog hiking, putting the Lamborghini SUV, or rather, any luxury SUV, offroad requires good humor, good insurance and a 24-hour mechanic, (or veterinarian).
So don’t change the car. Change the name. Allow the luxury SUV to escape its niche of internalized opposition to embrace its true identity. That name might be the Mercedes Really Big Hatchback, or Lamborghini Living Room on Wheels, but hey, at least then it’s honest.