Don’t Get Me Started! “RoboCar”
You know, you hear a lot today about “autonomous cars”, Cars that drive for you, stop for you, steer for you, park for you. And the big car companies will spin it that these features are there for protecting the safety of the passengers, and most jamokes would probably believe it. Well, let me tell ya what the car companies are really sayin’. They are sayin’ that you, the modern motoring public, SUCK at driving, and to protect their cars, and your sorry asses, cars need to do the driving for you!
Would you get in a self-driving car that looks like
a koala bear stoned on eucalyptus leaves?
Back in the day, we had our own way of protecting the safety of our passengers… it was called “KNOWING HOW TO DRIVE!” Instead of sensors that hit the brakes for you when detecting an impending obstacle, we had two devices in front of our head called “EYEBALLS” that did a pretty good job of sensing obstacles. And these “EYEBALLS” were designed slightly apart so the driver had a thing called “DEPTH PERSEPTION” to actually judge distances without the need for a computer algorithm, whatever the hell that is! (I’ve seen Al Gore dance, and he definitely does not have rhythm, but I digress…)
We learned to drive when there were no collision detection sensors, crumple zones, traction control, ABS brakes, or front, side and crotch airbags! Hell, we didn’t even have seat belts! Back in the day, the drum brakes required ¾ of mile to slow down, and everything on the dash was designed to impale you upon impact! But we did have one very effective safety feature: 19 feet of eighth-inch-thick Detroit steel surrounding you and your loved ones. They weren’t designed to absorb an impact, they were built to clobber the crap out of whatever it ran into. The biggest, heaviest car wins.
But maybe the real reason why people were better drivers back then is because there were no cell phone, tablets, GPS units, and internet sexting to distract them… wait a minute, where was I? Oh, yeah, maybe all this friggin’ autonomous technology is only being created to compensate for all the distractions created by the previous technology.
Maybe instead of making the cars smarter, we concentrate on making the DRIVERS smarter! How about, instead of giving a license to any moron who can parallel park their Camry, you require every driver to pull a high-speed reverse 180º J-turn… into a parking spot. Or handle a 110 mph chase through curvy mountain roads… while being shot at by gangsters!
Real driving takes GUTS! How about, for the road test, you need to get a 1972 Cadillac Sedan de Ville out of midtown New York City rush hour traffic, using only REVERSE, with a live baby Beluga whale in the back seat, and trunk full of ticking C4 explosives! Now that takes SKILL! (Believe me, I know!) After that, you’ll certainly be able to safely pick up the kiddies from soccer in the minivan!
All I know is that cars driving themselves can’t be very much fun. I happen to LIKE driving! I LIKE being in control of the car. I LIKE steering, and shifting with a clutch and a stick. And none of this paddle-shifting crap where the car lets you believe you’re controlling the gears. YOU AINT! The car is humoring you. It is much smarter than you are, will take over as soon as you screw up, and then it will smirk and make snide remarks at you in German… “Dummkopf menschen… Nur gut für das sitzen auf deinen arsch und bewachungs kätzchen videos auf youtube!”
Give me a real convertible, with a big snarling American V8, a 4-speed with a muscle-building clutch, manual steering and brakes, an 8-track player with Sinatra’s Greatest Hits, and put me on a winding mountain road. I might end up wrapped around a tree, but at least I will have done it my way!
- The Car-Mudgeon
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in the previous column are those of the author and don’t necessarily represent the progressive thinking embraced by CarShowSafari.com.
Car-Mudgeon’s Note: Hey Editors, I got your “progressive thinking” right here! If ya don’t like it, go “sitzen auf deinen arsch und bewachungs kätzchen videos auf youtube!” Now, don’t get me started!
Editor’s Note v2: Ahem. Anyone wishing to correspond with the Car-Mudgeon can email him directly at CarMudgeon@CarShowSafari.com. And don’t be afraid tell him how you really feel!